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All My Dreams Are Dead
Most humans learn to walk and talk in no (relatively) time at all. Fast forward a few decades... the poor choices, missed opportunities and just plain 'ol bad luck have culminated in a pile-on with YOU at the bottom. Repeating, "It's all about the journey," until you puke won't help, but experiencing the envy of your gutless peers when they view this proud, bold message WILL! Celebrate the "should have, would have, could have" in style! Great black shirt, the text really poops.... err... POPS! Makes a great birthday gift.
Ask Me About My Debilitating Shyness
It's okay to be shy; it's NATURAL, isn't it? People always seem to "want" something; why on earth would they think I can give it? Especially when I'm at The Dollar Store cashier and I don't have enough change to cover the cost of taxable items. Seriously, I have "Saturn Retrograde" in my horoscope chart, which means that I'm not only SHY -- I prefer to stay home, safely away from other humans, and design uber-witty tee shirts while I pound down Bourbon. Oops! Now you know. This entire tee shirt description brought to you by TMI.
If You Can Read This, I'm No Longer Invisible
You're one of those people who's always taken pride in your magickal ability to effortlessly slide in and out of tense situations without being noticed; unfortunately, you're beginning to suspect this is NOT a skill -- it's just that no one cares if you show up or not. Whether you're standing on line at The Dollar Store or waiting to disappoint a first-time date that's already an hour late, the words, "Hey, that's a REALLY cool shirt!" will be music to your ears. A fat guy at the gym gave this tee a FIVE STAR rating! He's obviously a genius. Get in on the action!
If You Can Read This, You're Too Close
Sometimes you're just not in the mood for a hug, and need to let the world at large know it with this shrewdly-designed, stylish tee. YES, the text is just a liiiiittle too small, forcing most people to lean in to read what the shirt says. Imagine the fun of watching the wave of shame washing over an unsuspecting busybody's face as realize they've been had. Afterwards, some will try to strike up a conversation -- this seems to happen on line at the deli counter, often by the same guy who thinks I want to know his name is "Henry" -- or look like they'd slug you if being arrested wasn't a possibility. Good times. This innovative, performance-inducing design is not only one of our oldest, but could very well be our piece de resistance... HA! That's FRENCH... y'know, like the fries. Artsy fartsy types rejoice!
Indifference Is My Superpower
Let's face it, you're always as cool as a cucumber -- because "caring" is for LOSERS! Your ex always used to gripe you weren't listening, but they just didn't see the whole picture. And STILL don't. Annoying boss? No problem. Spill bourbon on your laptop? Handled. To others, you often appear as the eye in the center of the Hurricane of Life, but no one knows the REAL you. It's time to let the whole world appreciate the unsung hero you are! The shirt quality is excellent, and the text on black is appropriately jarring. Hey! I just realized, this makes a great gift after the next time someone asks, "Did you miss me?" In a world that offers so little to be excited about, maybe it's time you got excited about a shirt!
Living the Dream
Step back, take a deep breath, and smile secretly while replaying decisions that culminated in your greatest crowning achievement; living a life that others can only dream of! The next time you're dealing with a soul-crushing breakup or are passed over for that big promotion at work, you'll anticipate intrusive questions like, "Hey, so, how's it going?" by proudly wearing this premium tee shirt. You wouldn't want it any other way. Makes a great birthday gift!
Love Me For My Body
Someone saying you're smart, honest or thoughtful used to be nice to hear, but these days it's sooooo ho-hum. Let's face it: aside from Benjamin Button, none of us is getting any younger, the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and -- even worse -- the dating pool is shrinking; why not take the initiative and remove some of the BS? Potential partners will admire your candor; some might even thank you for saving them effort. Yes, this bold tee tells it like it is: LOVE ME FOR MY BODY... because you can't f*** a personality.
My Bar Is Set Very Low
It's a JUNGLE out there! Yup, this high-quality, reality-comes-crashing-down tee might as well read, "What the f*** was I thinking?" People will admire your honesty... then post selfies with food between their teeth. Perfect for that "Happy Divorce" party gift, first Tinder hookup, or member of Congress.
No One Cares What You Think
Who said psi warfare and fashion don't mix? Whether it's the gym loudmouth railing about politics, in-laws criticizing your life-choices, or a self-proclaimed "expert" explaining why your taste in music / movies / partners sucks, wearing this preemptive strike will insure victory before your adversary even realizes they're at war. Military strategist Sun Tzu called this "The Sheathed Sword;" you'll call it "Hilarious." You'll grin ear to ear while silently screaming "CHECKMATE!" over and over again. Feel the burn.
Proud Parent of A C+ Student
Your spawn isn't exactly knocking it outta the park, but that's okay; at least YOUR kid has already learned that personal integrity, open-minded enthusiasm or Herculean effort translate to very little of value in today's world. Also, it's obvious to everyone around you that the fruit hasn't fallen too far from the tree; rather than deny it, why not just OWN it? Besides, sometimes a "plus" makes all the difference. Right?
There's a lot more on the way. Thanks for stopping by!